Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is a review that he wrote as part of a contest. He does not agree with what he wrote here anymore, and the links don't work, but he still kind of likes it. Enjoy.
"Review of LCD Soundsystem's "Sound Of Silver""
by John Downey
First of all, I want to thank my humble hosts this evening for allowing me to…ah, screw that shit; MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE HIZZOUSE, SAY HOOOO! …Okay, now everybody but Chet say HOOOO! …Well, fuck you, too.
Let’s get shit in order. Now, I usually (eventually) agree with most everything the CMG’s got to say about anything and everything, but Chris Benoit could have written a better review of “Sound of Silver”. And he’s dead. And even if he was alive, he would be too hopped up on testosterone to effectively pick apart “Someone Great”.
NEWELL: Well, I believe that this part is a direct reference to his dead best frie—
BENOIT: (shoots needle into ass) DAAAAAAAAAAAAH IT NO MAKE ME WORK OUT I GIVE YOU GERMAN SUPLEX FUCK YOUR ASS MAKE YOU HUMBLE! (puts on Timbaland’s “Kill Yourself”; gets evil ideas)
Yeah, a Chris Benoit review would require teaching a ’roided zombie how to use a keyboard, and HE would have done this shit better. I know this because Zombie Benoit (who can still wrestle, by the way; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2FzzOlNkSw ) is smarter than me, and I figured this shit out.
My issue with the review has a little something to do with the assessment, but first, let’s look at the score. Shit starts at 41%, since its closest sounding relative readily available to me, “The Third Hand”, was a pile of shit but still managed to get a 31%, so since “Sound of Silver” is at least 10% better than “The Turd Hand”, there you go. From there, we give it a 25%, since 14 of its 56 minutes—“Someone Great” through “All My Friends”—are so kickass, even the reviewer doesn’t deny them, and 14 divided by 56 equals 0.25, or 25%. Give it another 10% for being fun, and we’re up to 76% easy. That’s a whole 20% more than motherfucker gave it. Wassupwiddat?
Don’t worry, the Downdogger’s got answers. First, dude looks for something that ain’t there. He ends up talking about how this album could’ve been more fun, as though that was Jimmy Muller’s (or whatever the fuck his name is) intent all along. Hey, it might’ve been, but maybe not. I don’t know. As a straight-edge, I can honestly say that I fucking WANT that party album that ends with everybody waking up, realizing who they fucked the other night, struggle to stand to their feet, fall over while trying to take a piss, pour an entire gallon of milk all over the counter (with the exception of the tiny bit that goes into the glass), search their pants for a blunt only to realize that they’re not wearing pants, cut off the legs of the ugly sleeping bitch that is wearing their pants, and realize only after inhaling their blunt that some prankster has replaced the Virgin Mary with literal dog shit. Then I kick them in the balls and say, “Thought you learned your lesson LAST WEEK, motherfucker!” “Sound Of Silver” comes close to that shit, but misses by a lot, but it comes closer than any other album I’ve ever heard, and that earns it an extra 1%. But your dude’s all like, “Bummer, man,” and I’m all like, “STFU!”
And when the fuck did fun become so wrong? When? WHEN? Yeah, I get it, we’re all the boys in the corner, throwing spitballs at the good-looking douchebags who don’t know shit about shit, but you ain’t gonna get the girl unless you indulge in some of that shit. It’s like bobbing for apples in a bucket of shit: you don’t want to do it, but since you want to look better than that kid next to you with the “Kingdom Hearts” T-shirt and long hair that shows the dark side of too many “World of Warcraft” marathons ( http://3dotoday.classicgaming.gamespy.com/page%204/virtboxf.jpg ), you dive in anyway. You get some of that up your nose, and you get corn stuck in your teeth, but you get through that shit to get that fucking apple. And the chick is hot, and yeah. I forgot what my point was, but I’m pretty sure it was a good one. Did I mention that since your opinion is the lowest, it is automatically wrong?
Okay, maybe not, but the real shit sounds like this: according to your scale, a 56% is “slightly above average”. An album that doesn’t sound offensively bad and spends an entire quarter of its length being totally fucking awesome can’t be simply considered “slightly above average”. “Good, detracting problems” (65%-69%) sounds more appropriate for what Conrad (YEAH, I KNOW HIS NAME, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) was trying to say. I’ve got my shit on a 77% through purely mathematical reasoning, which is what Amir would have wanted, and if he hadn’t been buried alive in an abandoned mine shaft in eastern Pennsylvania, he would be saying the exact same thing that I’m telling you now. In fact, he’d give it a 95%, and then you would be holding a contest asking people why “The Magic Position” should’ve been rated higher. (In case you decide to go with that idea, let me answer that right now: the Flying Dutchman and the Missionary have their uses, but after teaching my bitch how to perform the Magic Position, I’ve had no problems breathing out of my nose. Automatic 90% for making it easier for me to breathe.) So, mathematically, physically, literally, spiritually, sexually, and animality, “Sound Of Silver” does not suck more donkey dick than “Human The Death Dance”, which got a 3% better rating than “Sound Of Silver”. For that, I’ve gotten my buddy Goku to do some shit to Sage for passing out bribes. What, you ask? Why, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj37wpu_FDQ , that’s what.
Sincerely,
John Downey
P.S. Here’s a guy who can explain “Sound Of Silver” even better than I can. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0
YEAH, BITCH, THIS AIN’T A POSTSCRIPT, IT’S A GODDAMN RICK ROLL’D-ING! UNGH! FEEL THE POWER!
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