Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is an essay he wrote for a class. Enjoy.
"I Laugh At Innocence"
by John Downey
The popular view towards youth bases its conceptions around babies and teenagers—babies being innocent, teenagers being wild creatures to be tamed/allowed to express themselves/jailed/feared. The idea of what a child is should, in theory, be somewhere in between, moving away from innocence but not quite a hellraiser. All it takes to destroy that theory is to spend time around actual children, at which point one has to accept that children are much more complex than we would like to give them credit for. Or go insane. Either option works, really.
Children listen to the Jonas Brothers, play Pokemon video games, and watch “CSI”. On one side of the classroom, kids are talking about the Hannah Montana repeat from the other night; on the other side, their classmates are talking about what Triple H did to John Cena. They all play together, despite their differing tastes that have already started to develop. There is no pattern for estimating their tastes. Two sci-fi based CGI-animated films aimed towards children were recently released: “Monsters vs. Aliens” and “Battle For Terra”. Both received similar critical praise, and they were released within a month of each other. “Monsters vs. Aliens” debuted #1 at the box office, and is the 3rd highest-grossing IMAX movie of all time, behind “The Dark Knight” and “Watchmen”. Meanwhile, “Battle For Terra” debuted at #12, having the 3rd lowest opening for a CGI movie in wide release. It is those kind of numbers that make movie executives go to church.
Some children I worked with were asked to draw pictures that reminded them of their loved ones. One girl drew an assortment of items related to her grandfather, including a few items of clothing, his appearance, and other expected elements. There was one thing that she drew, though, that I honestly couldn’t figure out. I had my mental guesses, of course (calendar? library card? trivia pursuit card?), but eventually, I just asked her to identify this object.
“SCRATCH TICKETS!” she answered.
One boy in the same classroom drew typical manly items in relation to his brother, such as knives, guns, and dead people. (This might make one think that he has a violent brother, but his future illustrations offered casual death wishes to such offenders as sheep and the sun.) The teacher was able to censor these images in their infancy, but when it came time to draw these collaborations on a large poster, this boy immediately drew a large handgun.
“Were you allowed to draw that two minutes ago?” the teacher asked.
“It’s a water gun,” he answered. He proceeded to add water squirting out of the end of what is perhaps the scariest squirt gun known to mankind.
Yet another girl was attempting to think of details concerning a neighbor’s dog, who she had often played with. The teacher tried to help. “When was the last time you saw it?”
“I dunno. It was a couple of months ago.”
“What does it look like?”
“It was a puppy, but it might’ve grown up.”
“Well, maybe you should start focusing on something else.”
The girl’s jaw hit the ground. How dare this teacher tell her that she should change subjects!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Downey's "Classics" Presents: This note is a long OOOOOOOOH, CHEESEBURGERZ!
Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is how I make fun of my own reactions to thing. Sort of. Enjoy.
"This note is a long OOOOOOOOH, CHEESEBURGERZ!"
by John Downey
(Enter John Downey carrying a stool. He is dressed in semi-formal attire, though he is missing a tie. He places the stool right next to the brick wall, which is barren except for the noteworthy door and the large neon sign that says "LIVE NUDES". John clears his throat.)
JOHN: Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, and motherfucker, shit's going down in Chinatown.
(John whips out a clicker and a long retractable rod. He clicks the clicker once, and a light is projected onto the wall next to him.)
JOHN: The MCLA Dance Company.
(He clicks the clicker again, and the light shows a picture of a bunch of people wearing Dance Company T-shirts and smiles on their faces.)
JOHN: Looks like a good place to hang out, and to get your name out there to the community. But don't be fooled, because under the surface...runs something really bad.
(He clicks the clicker again, and the light shows a group photo of the current members of the E-Board.)
JOHN: The E-Board. I've had my differences with them in the past, but for the most part, I've agreed with the tough decisions that they have to make.
(He clicks again, and the same picture is shown, except with crudely drawn Hitler mustaches and devil horns drawn on them.)
JOHN: Until now.
(John looks as though he is about to pace around, but then realizes that he's still standing on a stool, so he just looks around, shrugs his shoulders, and continues talking.)
JOHN: Last Sunday night, I participated in the Dance Company audition process. Before it began in earnest, though, the auditioners, myself among them, were told to formally request the number of dances that we wish to be put in. I requested 3. I was put in only 1 dance. This is grounds for treason and MCLA deserves to be burned to the ground.
(door flies open)
JAY: WHERE DA G'S?!
JOHN: Jay! My older brother! What are you doing here?
JAY: Looking for the next girl that's gonna scream "OH JIMMY!", that's what. What are you doing here?
JOHN: I'm making a speech to my huddled masses.
JAY: Ummmmmm...there's nobody here.
JOHN: My audience is the Internet.
JAY: Urgh. Hold on.
(takes long puff from blunt)
JAY: Okay, assface, what's the problem this time?
JOHN: I got put in only once dance for Dance Company, when I wanted to get put into three dances. My solution is to inflict much physical and emotional harm onto the E-Board.
JAY: Okay, first off, fuckface, are you sure that it was the E-Board's decision as to who would end up in which dance?
JOHN: Actually, I'm pretty sure that they had very little to do with the casting. The choreographer for each dance selected which people he or she wanted for their dances.
JAY: So where does the E-Board come in?
JOHN: When I don't get put in 3 dances.
JAY: Shitface, maybe only one choreographer wanted you in their dance.
JOHN: So?
JAY: SO WHERE DOES THE E-BOARD COME IN?!
JOHN: It's evil. It's injust. It inconveniences me. Smells like E-Board to me.
JAY: "Inconveniences" you? By making you concentrate on only one dance this semester?
JOHN: Jay, look--
JAY: Shut up, cuntface. Get your fucking facts straight, and think about the importance of this semester's performance before you go back onto your dick-wagging celebration.
JOHN: You mean the fact that the MCLA Dance Company is going to perform at Mass MoCa, the largest museum for contemporary visual art and performing arts in the country?
JAY: Yeah. You think that maybe they don't want just the ones who are willing, but are also ABLE?
JOHN: Oh shit. You're starting to make sense.
JAY: Damn straight, cockface. Hell, I would imagine that some people wouldn't be put in any dances, period. Wouldn't surprise me one bit.
JOHN: But--
JAY: AND LOOK AT YOU! You're a white boy with two left feet! You should be thankful that they don't fire you out of a cannon during intermission! People might actually take pictures of you if they do that!
JOHN: Speak for yourself, pumpkinhead.
JAY: Speaking of which, what's the song you're going to be dancing to?
JOHN: Well, it's so cool, I'm not even going to tell you.
(pause)
JAY: Ba bah. Bwa bah ba, ba....
(takes long drag from blunt)
JAY: Much better. Look, be thankful for what you've got, and stop cursing out people for looking out for your best interests. And where's my fucking Thursday shirt?
JOHN: I don't know.
JAY: Ah, fuck it. I'm gonna go watch "Gilmore Girls" on DVD.
(exit Jay Downey)
JOHN: Well....ummm...
(long pause)
JOHN: JEFF HARDY FOR PRESIDENT!
(long pause)
(John gets off of stool, and picks it up.)
JOHN: Quaseem's going to want this back soon...
(exit John)
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is how I make fun of my own reactions to thing. Sort of. Enjoy.
"This note is a long OOOOOOOOH, CHEESEBURGERZ!"
by John Downey
(Enter John Downey carrying a stool. He is dressed in semi-formal attire, though he is missing a tie. He places the stool right next to the brick wall, which is barren except for the noteworthy door and the large neon sign that says "LIVE NUDES". John clears his throat.)
JOHN: Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, and motherfucker, shit's going down in Chinatown.
(John whips out a clicker and a long retractable rod. He clicks the clicker once, and a light is projected onto the wall next to him.)
JOHN: The MCLA Dance Company.
(He clicks the clicker again, and the light shows a picture of a bunch of people wearing Dance Company T-shirts and smiles on their faces.)
JOHN: Looks like a good place to hang out, and to get your name out there to the community. But don't be fooled, because under the surface...runs something really bad.
(He clicks the clicker again, and the light shows a group photo of the current members of the E-Board.)
JOHN: The E-Board. I've had my differences with them in the past, but for the most part, I've agreed with the tough decisions that they have to make.
(He clicks again, and the same picture is shown, except with crudely drawn Hitler mustaches and devil horns drawn on them.)
JOHN: Until now.
(John looks as though he is about to pace around, but then realizes that he's still standing on a stool, so he just looks around, shrugs his shoulders, and continues talking.)
JOHN: Last Sunday night, I participated in the Dance Company audition process. Before it began in earnest, though, the auditioners, myself among them, were told to formally request the number of dances that we wish to be put in. I requested 3. I was put in only 1 dance. This is grounds for treason and MCLA deserves to be burned to the ground.
(door flies open)
JOHN: Jay! My older brother! What are you doing here?
JAY: Looking for the next girl that's gonna scream "OH JIMMY!", that's what. What are you doing here?
JOHN: I'm making a speech to my huddled masses.
JAY: Ummmmmm...there's nobody here.
JOHN: My audience is the Internet.
JAY: Urgh. Hold on.
(takes long puff from blunt)
JAY: Okay, assface, what's the problem this time?
JOHN: I got put in only once dance for Dance Company, when I wanted to get put into three dances. My solution is to inflict much physical and emotional harm onto the E-Board.
JAY: Okay, first off, fuckface, are you sure that it was the E-Board's decision as to who would end up in which dance?
JOHN: Actually, I'm pretty sure that they had very little to do with the casting. The choreographer for each dance selected which people he or she wanted for their dances.
JAY: So where does the E-Board come in?
JOHN: When I don't get put in 3 dances.
JAY: Shitface, maybe only one choreographer wanted you in their dance.
JOHN: So?
JAY: SO WHERE DOES THE E-BOARD COME IN?!
JOHN: It's evil. It's injust. It inconveniences me. Smells like E-Board to me.
JAY: "Inconveniences" you? By making you concentrate on only one dance this semester?
JOHN: Jay, look--
JAY: Shut up, cuntface. Get your fucking facts straight, and think about the importance of this semester's performance before you go back onto your dick-wagging celebration.
JOHN: You mean the fact that the MCLA Dance Company is going to perform at Mass MoCa, the largest museum for contemporary visual art and performing arts in the country?
JAY: Yeah. You think that maybe they don't want just the ones who are willing, but are also ABLE?
JOHN: Oh shit. You're starting to make sense.
JAY: Damn straight, cockface. Hell, I would imagine that some people wouldn't be put in any dances, period. Wouldn't surprise me one bit.
JOHN: But--
JAY: AND LOOK AT YOU! You're a white boy with two left feet! You should be thankful that they don't fire you out of a cannon during intermission! People might actually take pictures of you if they do that!
JOHN: Speak for yourself, pumpkinhead.
JAY: Speaking of which, what's the song you're going to be dancing to?
JOHN: Well, it's so cool, I'm not even going to tell you.
(pause)
JAY: Ba bah. Bwa bah ba, ba....
(takes long drag from blunt)
JAY: Much better. Look, be thankful for what you've got, and stop cursing out people for looking out for your best interests. And where's my fucking Thursday shirt?
JOHN: I don't know.
JAY: Ah, fuck it. I'm gonna go watch "Gilmore Girls" on DVD.
(exit Jay Downey)
JOHN: Well....ummm...
(long pause)
JOHN: JEFF HARDY FOR PRESIDENT!
(long pause)
(John gets off of stool, and picks it up.)
JOHN: Quaseem's going to want this back soon...
(exit John)
Friday, August 20, 2010
Downey's "Classics" Presents: Can I Ghostwrite for Killer Cam
Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is something I posted on a forum dedicated to a hip-hop video game. It was supposed to be stupid. Enjoy.
"Can I Ghostwrite For Killer Cam?"
by John Downey
See for yourself. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MAY BE HARMFUL TO PEOPLE WITH WORKING BRAINS.
"Tying my shoes takes a lot of effort
Go to Sesame Street and go get Big Bird
To tie my shoes for me cuz I'm all over the streets
Like Tim O'Brien, Orson Scott Card and W.B. Yeats
Ain't no other rapper with a flow like mine
They try but I get 'em with a knife made out of pine
Cones, they're nature's gift to us
I get told to shut up at town meetings cuz I ain't allow to cuss
I wake up to the sound of Regis and Kelly
All my enemies are like my dinner: they're in my belly
Cuz I'm a cannibal whenever the hecks I feel like it
I always cry whenever I watch Emma Thompson in "Wit"
For April Fool's Day I wear Barney underwear
And run through across town so that I can wrestle a bear
And that's life on the streets through the eyes of me
I see as far as I can see
The streets...DIPSET!"
...I am SO sorry.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is something I posted on a forum dedicated to a hip-hop video game. It was supposed to be stupid. Enjoy.
"Can I Ghostwrite For Killer Cam?"
by John Downey
See for yourself. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MAY BE HARMFUL TO PEOPLE WITH WORKING BRAINS.
"Tying my shoes takes a lot of effort
Go to Sesame Street and go get Big Bird
To tie my shoes for me cuz I'm all over the streets
Like Tim O'Brien, Orson Scott Card and W.B. Yeats
Ain't no other rapper with a flow like mine
They try but I get 'em with a knife made out of pine
Cones, they're nature's gift to us
I get told to shut up at town meetings cuz I ain't allow to cuss
I wake up to the sound of Regis and Kelly
All my enemies are like my dinner: they're in my belly
Cuz I'm a cannibal whenever the hecks I feel like it
I always cry whenever I watch Emma Thompson in "Wit"
For April Fool's Day I wear Barney underwear
And run through across town so that I can wrestle a bear
And that's life on the streets through the eyes of me
I see as far as I can see
The streets...DIPSET!"
...I am SO sorry.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Psychics suck
My e-mail inbox is stuffed with crap. It's the bad side of having a shitton of free space. Here is one of the many e-mails I have received from psychics, which have been consistent since I signed up for one as part of a joke in 2004.
"Dear John,
I've written you twice before about a completely unique way to fulfill your fondest wishes and find the everlasting spiritual comfort you deserve. John, I’m concerned I haven't heard back from you yet. Have you received my previous letters? I really don’t want you to miss out on such a simple and rare opportunity to put your wishes into action and your worries to bed. So please read on.
So often in life, John, timing is everything. And it’s particularly important that you act now, in time for the New Moon, a powerful and influential phenomenon for the month of November.
Starting on November 9th, the date of the New Moon, you can experience something miraculous that literally works as you sleep. That’s how powerful it is. As a Taurus, it can help you to wake up to brand new incredible opportunities in your life -- perhaps a windfall of money, life-changing luck, and even a newfound courage and ambition to do your heart’s desire...
JOHN, DON’T MISS OUT ON CHANGING YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE -- AS SOON AS NOVEMBER 9TH!
As you know, I am always looking for opportunities for you that will help you to tap into the greatness that I know awaits you. John, I have found something so truly extraordinary that I knew you would want to hear about it immediately!
I know that you already know about the fountain of happiness and good fortune that can be possible with the guidance of your own personal angel spirits. But I have found a way for you to call upon the Archangel Raphael -- he belongs to a very special class of angel who can call on other angels to help you transform your life. I wouldn't have believed it myself, except that I have witnessed these very transformations in friends of mine, and I so want YOU to enjoy this very same abundance, prosperity, and success.
Why November 9th? Because this is the date of the New Moon. You probably know that the highest spiritual energy for success occurs at the New Moon, and this November’s New Moon is an especially powerful and unique time for positive change, luck, and love. And the November moon, also called the Frost Moon, is an even more potent time to have your wishes fulfilled and attract the wealth you deserve.
That's why, John, it's especially important that you pay close attention to what I'm about to say.
LET THE SPIRIT OF THE ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL WORK HIS MAGIC FOR YOU...
Angel spirits can positively shape your life, and are available to everyone all the time, but only if you are able to access them. And, John, I have discovered something that will help you to connect to this angel guidance at this auspicious time of the New Moon -- it's called The Archangel Wish Pillow Invocation Kit. This enchanting Wish Pillow Kit lets you communicate your fondest dreams and desires.
The most amazing thing about the Wish Pillow is that it is so SIMPLE AND EASY TO USE -- all you have to do is go to sleep and let it work for you!
Here's how it works -- your beautiful Wish Pillow is made with 100% silk, with a specially sewn pocket and a picture of the Archangel Raphael on the front. Why silk? Because, John, silk is a rich natural fiber which has long been associated with personal transformation and wealth.
Along with this pillow, the Invocation Kit contains 3 Archangel talismans printed on parchment paper representing the 3 most important Angels of Abundance under Raphael -- Omael, Lelahel, and Leuviah. I will also send you 3 magical prayers to help you to invoke these angels. But I'm getting ahead of myself!
The most important thing to remember is that angels are celestial beings that exist in the spirit realm, beyond our conscious mind, so it's best to invite their power when we are going to sleep -- the conscious logical mind has to retreat from the stress and strain of the day, in order to communicate with the spirit realm. Only then are you truly open and free to receive guidance and knowledge from the angel spirits.
WRITE IT DOWN, SAY IT ALOUD, AND GO TO SLEEP.
JOHN, IT'S THAT SIMPLE!
When you consciously picture something you desire, be it wealth, more joy, or greater success, and when you WRITE IT DOWN AND SAY IT ALOUD, you are tapping into the most powerful means of bringing it into existence -- and getting visible, tangible results.
What you'll do is write your wish down on the parchment talisman and say the prayer DIRECTLY BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP. I don't think I can stress enough just how important this is -- as I said, the mind is most receptive to angelic intervention at this time. This is an ancient magical practice that has been proven to work, and I've seen just how powerful this technique has shown itself to be in countless lives.
ON NOVEMBER 9TH, ASK FOR YOUR FONDEST WISHES...
THE ANGELS WILL HEAR YOU AND DELIVER!
To bring greater prosperity into your life, you should use the Wish Pillow to invoke Raphael, the Archangel of Abundance and Fortune. Raphael is capable of generating wealth and miracles, and is associated with fire and the capacity to enjoy life to the fullest. He is the guardian of the Tree of Life, which provides an eternal bounty of fruit.
Raphael, an Archangel, a higher class of angel, will help you to contact the 3 Angels of Abundance -- Omael, Lelahel, and Leuviah -- who watch over 3 different aspects of abundance in your life: prosperity, good fortune, and success. Each Angel has his own special ancient talisman, which is the way you can invoke their spirits directly.
These mystical talismans contain the names of the Angels in both Hebrew and magical "fire letters", so-called for their special power of being visible both to the physical and astral planes of existence. Hebrew is the ancient language which appeared for the first time in the 10 commandments. Add to this the inscription of the fire letters, the alphabet of angels, and you basically have a direct line to the ears of the angels...
The Angel Omael -- Angel of Prosperity
Direct your wish to the Angel Omael when you need blessings of material needs, for he will help to bring you the richness of your innermost desires. This Angel can also provide the strength that you need to banish any negative influences you may have, and bring positive love and fortune in its place.
The Angel Lelahel -- Angel of Good Fortune
When you are in need of luck, the Angel Lelahel is the perfect angel to direct your wish to -- this angel's lucky influence will help you in any endeavor. Lelahel brings harmony and beauty to life, and will help you to experience the true joy of living to the absolute fullest.
The Angel Leuviah -- Angel of Success
The Angel Leuviah is helpful for when you want to turn your dreams into reality, and will help you overcome any obstacles that might stand in your way to achieving stunning successes in all your ventures.
Once you have written each wish, read it aloud, along with the special prayer to the particular angel you are invoking, and then place the wish in the pocket of your Wish Pillow, contemplating it as you fall asleep on the cloud of the angels' beneficent and enchanted good will.
SPECIAL ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL MEDALLION --
MY FREE GIFT TO YOU!
I am so eager for you to experience the benefits of the Archangel Wish Pillow Invocation Kit that I am including a FREE gift just for you, John -- this exquisite Archangel Raphael Medallion! Carry it with you so that it works its powerful magic for you all through the day.
This magical combination of elements -- the pillow, the 3 Angels of Abundance talismans, the 3 Angel prayers -- along with the Archangel Raphael Medallion, all come together to give you the most potent spiritual advantage I have yet to see! You can harness this magical power on November 9th, the date of the New Moon, the most supernatural time of the year! And this is why I couldn't wait to tell you about the Wish Pillow, so that I can pass this supreme opportunity for more wealth, good fortune, and success than you ever dreamed possible!
Don't waste another minute without this powerful tool -- who'd have thought that all you have to do is go to sleep to have all your dreams come true!
REMEMBER, NOVEMBER 9TH IS YOUR DATE WITH GOOD FORTUNE
To make it as easy as possible to use the Archangel Wish Pillow Invocation Kit on November 9th, you can review and use it FREE and without committing to anything. Then, only if you are completely satisfied, after 30 days your card will be billed at the exclusive price of only $19.95!
Naturally, this comes with a Lifetime Guarantee, which means that should you ever at any time feel that you are dissatisfied with the Wish Pillow, you can return it to me, be it a week, a month, or even 10 years from now, with no explanation necessary, and receive a FULL REFUND, which includes the shipping and handling fee. Of course, the Archangel Raphael Medallion is yours to keep, no matter what.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, JOHN!
I am so confident that by using the Archangel Wish Pillow Invocation Kit, all your treasured wishes will be realized. I have written you a letter which explains exactly how to use the Kit to your utmost advantage. As November 9th will be here before you know it, I beg you not to delay in clicking the button, John! I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this could change your life in ways you can't even imagine right now.
Your friend,
Iam Batshitcrazy"
The text speaks for itself.
"Dear John,
I've written you twice before about a completely unique way to fulfill your fondest wishes and find the everlasting spiritual comfort you deserve. John, I’m concerned I haven't heard back from you yet. Have you received my previous letters? I really don’t want you to miss out on such a simple and rare opportunity to put your wishes into action and your worries to bed. So please read on.
So often in life, John, timing is everything. And it’s particularly important that you act now, in time for the New Moon, a powerful and influential phenomenon for the month of November.
Starting on November 9th, the date of the New Moon, you can experience something miraculous that literally works as you sleep. That’s how powerful it is. As a Taurus, it can help you to wake up to brand new incredible opportunities in your life -- perhaps a windfall of money, life-changing luck, and even a newfound courage and ambition to do your heart’s desire...
JOHN, DON’T MISS OUT ON CHANGING YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE -- AS SOON AS NOVEMBER 9TH!
As you know, I am always looking for opportunities for you that will help you to tap into the greatness that I know awaits you. John, I have found something so truly extraordinary that I knew you would want to hear about it immediately!
I know that you already know about the fountain of happiness and good fortune that can be possible with the guidance of your own personal angel spirits. But I have found a way for you to call upon the Archangel Raphael -- he belongs to a very special class of angel who can call on other angels to help you transform your life. I wouldn't have believed it myself, except that I have witnessed these very transformations in friends of mine, and I so want YOU to enjoy this very same abundance, prosperity, and success.
Why November 9th? Because this is the date of the New Moon. You probably know that the highest spiritual energy for success occurs at the New Moon, and this November’s New Moon is an especially powerful and unique time for positive change, luck, and love. And the November moon, also called the Frost Moon, is an even more potent time to have your wishes fulfilled and attract the wealth you deserve.
That's why, John, it's especially important that you pay close attention to what I'm about to say.
LET THE SPIRIT OF THE ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL WORK HIS MAGIC FOR YOU...
Angel spirits can positively shape your life, and are available to everyone all the time, but only if you are able to access them. And, John, I have discovered something that will help you to connect to this angel guidance at this auspicious time of the New Moon -- it's called The Archangel Wish Pillow Invocation Kit. This enchanting Wish Pillow Kit lets you communicate your fondest dreams and desires.
The most amazing thing about the Wish Pillow is that it is so SIMPLE AND EASY TO USE -- all you have to do is go to sleep and let it work for you!
Here's how it works -- your beautiful Wish Pillow is made with 100% silk, with a specially sewn pocket and a picture of the Archangel Raphael on the front. Why silk? Because, John, silk is a rich natural fiber which has long been associated with personal transformation and wealth.
Along with this pillow, the Invocation Kit contains 3 Archangel talismans printed on parchment paper representing the 3 most important Angels of Abundance under Raphael -- Omael, Lelahel, and Leuviah. I will also send you 3 magical prayers to help you to invoke these angels. But I'm getting ahead of myself!
The most important thing to remember is that angels are celestial beings that exist in the spirit realm, beyond our conscious mind, so it's best to invite their power when we are going to sleep -- the conscious logical mind has to retreat from the stress and strain of the day, in order to communicate with the spirit realm. Only then are you truly open and free to receive guidance and knowledge from the angel spirits.
WRITE IT DOWN, SAY IT ALOUD, AND GO TO SLEEP.
JOHN, IT'S THAT SIMPLE!
When you consciously picture something you desire, be it wealth, more joy, or greater success, and when you WRITE IT DOWN AND SAY IT ALOUD, you are tapping into the most powerful means of bringing it into existence -- and getting visible, tangible results.
What you'll do is write your wish down on the parchment talisman and say the prayer DIRECTLY BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP. I don't think I can stress enough just how important this is -- as I said, the mind is most receptive to angelic intervention at this time. This is an ancient magical practice that has been proven to work, and I've seen just how powerful this technique has shown itself to be in countless lives.
ON NOVEMBER 9TH, ASK FOR YOUR FONDEST WISHES...
THE ANGELS WILL HEAR YOU AND DELIVER!
To bring greater prosperity into your life, you should use the Wish Pillow to invoke Raphael, the Archangel of Abundance and Fortune. Raphael is capable of generating wealth and miracles, and is associated with fire and the capacity to enjoy life to the fullest. He is the guardian of the Tree of Life, which provides an eternal bounty of fruit.
Raphael, an Archangel, a higher class of angel, will help you to contact the 3 Angels of Abundance -- Omael, Lelahel, and Leuviah -- who watch over 3 different aspects of abundance in your life: prosperity, good fortune, and success. Each Angel has his own special ancient talisman, which is the way you can invoke their spirits directly.
These mystical talismans contain the names of the Angels in both Hebrew and magical "fire letters", so-called for their special power of being visible both to the physical and astral planes of existence. Hebrew is the ancient language which appeared for the first time in the 10 commandments. Add to this the inscription of the fire letters, the alphabet of angels, and you basically have a direct line to the ears of the angels...
The Angel Omael -- Angel of Prosperity
Direct your wish to the Angel Omael when you need blessings of material needs, for he will help to bring you the richness of your innermost desires. This Angel can also provide the strength that you need to banish any negative influences you may have, and bring positive love and fortune in its place.
The Angel Lelahel -- Angel of Good Fortune
When you are in need of luck, the Angel Lelahel is the perfect angel to direct your wish to -- this angel's lucky influence will help you in any endeavor. Lelahel brings harmony and beauty to life, and will help you to experience the true joy of living to the absolute fullest.
The Angel Leuviah -- Angel of Success
The Angel Leuviah is helpful for when you want to turn your dreams into reality, and will help you overcome any obstacles that might stand in your way to achieving stunning successes in all your ventures.
Once you have written each wish, read it aloud, along with the special prayer to the particular angel you are invoking, and then place the wish in the pocket of your Wish Pillow, contemplating it as you fall asleep on the cloud of the angels' beneficent and enchanted good will.
SPECIAL ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL MEDALLION --
MY FREE GIFT TO YOU!
I am so eager for you to experience the benefits of the Archangel Wish Pillow Invocation Kit that I am including a FREE gift just for you, John -- this exquisite Archangel Raphael Medallion! Carry it with you so that it works its powerful magic for you all through the day.
This magical combination of elements -- the pillow, the 3 Angels of Abundance talismans, the 3 Angel prayers -- along with the Archangel Raphael Medallion, all come together to give you the most potent spiritual advantage I have yet to see! You can harness this magical power on November 9th, the date of the New Moon, the most supernatural time of the year! And this is why I couldn't wait to tell you about the Wish Pillow, so that I can pass this supreme opportunity for more wealth, good fortune, and success than you ever dreamed possible!
Don't waste another minute without this powerful tool -- who'd have thought that all you have to do is go to sleep to have all your dreams come true!
REMEMBER, NOVEMBER 9TH IS YOUR DATE WITH GOOD FORTUNE
To make it as easy as possible to use the Archangel Wish Pillow Invocation Kit on November 9th, you can review and use it FREE and without committing to anything. Then, only if you are completely satisfied, after 30 days your card will be billed at the exclusive price of only $19.95!
Naturally, this comes with a Lifetime Guarantee, which means that should you ever at any time feel that you are dissatisfied with the Wish Pillow, you can return it to me, be it a week, a month, or even 10 years from now, with no explanation necessary, and receive a FULL REFUND, which includes the shipping and handling fee. Of course, the Archangel Raphael Medallion is yours to keep, no matter what.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, JOHN!
I am so confident that by using the Archangel Wish Pillow Invocation Kit, all your treasured wishes will be realized. I have written you a letter which explains exactly how to use the Kit to your utmost advantage. As November 9th will be here before you know it, I beg you not to delay in clicking the button, John! I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this could change your life in ways you can't even imagine right now.
Your friend,
Iam Batshitcrazy"
The text speaks for itself.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Downey's "Classics" Presents: The Greatest Philosophy One Can Abide By
Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is something kah-razy he wrote three years ago in the heat of the moment. Enjoy.
"The Greatest Philosophy One Can Abide By"
by John Downey
I've thrown out a challenge to a biotch that is steppin' on my turf. It's one thing to beat the shit out of me. It's happened before, and with my big mouth, it'll probably happen again--maybe even by the time you read this. I've also had to deal with people who are better than me in every way possible. But this shit is fucking PERSONAL. But first...a family portrait.
Most of my closest (well, closer) friends know about my father's exploits. There's a very good reason why I talk a lot about the dude. In his 50 years, he managed to pack in a lot. He ran a gang, grew (and smoked) pot, worked hard at everything he tried to, and (if all of his stories are to be believed) was a consummate ladies man. Why wouldn't I talk about a dude like that?
There's another reason why I usually talk about my dad, though, and that's because the rest of my biological family is fucking boring. My aunt's family is a perfect example of this. She's a school teacher who takes the family to church every Sunday. The kids say their prayers at all of the appropriate times. Swearing is forbidden. Despite having 5 kids, they only recently got a Gamecube, in an era in which hand-eye coordination is almost as prided as actual smarts. If the Downey/Moores are the Simpsons, then the Harveys are the Flanders.
Lil' Katherine Harvey has always stood out from the bunch, at least in my eyes. She's the first one to do any sort of crazy jump or stunt. (She does better flips than me on a trampoline, and I'm fucking crazy with that shit. Think about THAT.) She has also stood out in pretty much every sport she's ever done. Thing is, though, she's not sure which sport she wants to specialize in. She's tried a whole bunch of different things, from soccer to cross-country.
Uh oh.
Gimmick infringement.
I'M the runner in the family.
I'M the fastest motherfucker on two feet.
I've got so many track shit with the word 'Varsity' on it, my brother steals some of it just so that he can look good. (It works out, though, since he hasn't seen his Thursday shirt in 7 years, so I ain't mad.)
And I'm going to visit the Harvey residence over Christmas break.
At first, I was afraid that the spunky second-born was going to challenge me to a race. Then I realized, "Downey, what the fuck do you have to be afraid of? You can't just pussyfoot around this kind of an issue! Are you afraid of that bible-thumping little hoochie?! Hell no! That's not how we do it down in Delaware! MAN UP!"
So, when I head on down to Penn in 3 weeks, Downey ain't gonna be Downey. Hells no. He will be one running machine. Hell, he'l be able to keep pace with a Durkin brother for TWO laps before collapsing in a heap, gasping for air. Meanwhile, Katherine's gonna be all like, "Kind lord, please give me the strength to make my dear family proud in the course of this race." And I'ma be all like, "BITCH, I SHOOT KITTENS! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PRAYING TO GOD! I AM GOD!"
S'right. Man up. It's not just a saying. It's a way of life. If your face is on fire, man up with some coldass water. If some girl dumps you, man up and push her in front of a bus. If some weird-looking little man looks at you for a millisecond too long, man up and knock his fucking teeth in. There's no time for critical thought here. Life'll pass you by. As long as you don't get hurt, who the fuck cares?*
Feel free to leave premature congratulations in the comments box. Or "suck a fuck"s. S'all good.
*Warning: "Man up" is not for everyone. If you do not regularly exercise, or are currently on an inhaler, consider finding a compromise to conflicts. Women who are pregnant or may become pregnant who use "man up" may suffer from a miscarriage and should consult their doctor before participating in any rumbles. Men under 150 pounds may subscribe to "man up", but only after purchasing an instrument that can draw blood, such as a knife, chair, cheese grinder, or fork. "Man up" has not been approved by the pussyfuckers at the FuckDatAss, but who gives a fuck? I don't. MAN UP!
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is something kah-razy he wrote three years ago in the heat of the moment. Enjoy.
"The Greatest Philosophy One Can Abide By"
by John Downey
I've thrown out a challenge to a biotch that is steppin' on my turf. It's one thing to beat the shit out of me. It's happened before, and with my big mouth, it'll probably happen again--maybe even by the time you read this. I've also had to deal with people who are better than me in every way possible. But this shit is fucking PERSONAL. But first...a family portrait.
Most of my closest (well, closer) friends know about my father's exploits. There's a very good reason why I talk a lot about the dude. In his 50 years, he managed to pack in a lot. He ran a gang, grew (and smoked) pot, worked hard at everything he tried to, and (if all of his stories are to be believed) was a consummate ladies man. Why wouldn't I talk about a dude like that?
There's another reason why I usually talk about my dad, though, and that's because the rest of my biological family is fucking boring. My aunt's family is a perfect example of this. She's a school teacher who takes the family to church every Sunday. The kids say their prayers at all of the appropriate times. Swearing is forbidden. Despite having 5 kids, they only recently got a Gamecube, in an era in which hand-eye coordination is almost as prided as actual smarts. If the Downey/Moores are the Simpsons, then the Harveys are the Flanders.
Lil' Katherine Harvey has always stood out from the bunch, at least in my eyes. She's the first one to do any sort of crazy jump or stunt. (She does better flips than me on a trampoline, and I'm fucking crazy with that shit. Think about THAT.) She has also stood out in pretty much every sport she's ever done. Thing is, though, she's not sure which sport she wants to specialize in. She's tried a whole bunch of different things, from soccer to cross-country.
Uh oh.
Gimmick infringement.
I'M the runner in the family.
I'M the fastest motherfucker on two feet.
I've got so many track shit with the word 'Varsity' on it, my brother steals some of it just so that he can look good. (It works out, though, since he hasn't seen his Thursday shirt in 7 years, so I ain't mad.)
And I'm going to visit the Harvey residence over Christmas break.
At first, I was afraid that the spunky second-born was going to challenge me to a race. Then I realized, "Downey, what the fuck do you have to be afraid of? You can't just pussyfoot around this kind of an issue! Are you afraid of that bible-thumping little hoochie?! Hell no! That's not how we do it down in Delaware! MAN UP!"
So, when I head on down to Penn in 3 weeks, Downey ain't gonna be Downey. Hells no. He will be one running machine. Hell, he'l be able to keep pace with a Durkin brother for TWO laps before collapsing in a heap, gasping for air. Meanwhile, Katherine's gonna be all like, "Kind lord, please give me the strength to make my dear family proud in the course of this race." And I'ma be all like, "BITCH, I SHOOT KITTENS! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PRAYING TO GOD! I AM GOD!"
S'right. Man up. It's not just a saying. It's a way of life. If your face is on fire, man up with some coldass water. If some girl dumps you, man up and push her in front of a bus. If some weird-looking little man looks at you for a millisecond too long, man up and knock his fucking teeth in. There's no time for critical thought here. Life'll pass you by. As long as you don't get hurt, who the fuck cares?*
Feel free to leave premature congratulations in the comments box. Or "suck a fuck"s. S'all good.
*Warning: "Man up" is not for everyone. If you do not regularly exercise, or are currently on an inhaler, consider finding a compromise to conflicts. Women who are pregnant or may become pregnant who use "man up" may suffer from a miscarriage and should consult their doctor before participating in any rumbles. Men under 150 pounds may subscribe to "man up", but only after purchasing an instrument that can draw blood, such as a knife, chair, cheese grinder, or fork. "Man up" has not been approved by the pussyfuckers at the FuckDatAss, but who gives a fuck? I don't. MAN UP!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Downey's "Classics" Presents: The Latest 7
Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is how I spent an entire year of my life. Enjoy.
"The Latest 7"
by John Downey
I don't get that wet in the shower.
Four miles, rain in yo face,
And likely have to do it all over again.
THE JOYS OF GOING TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is how I spent an entire year of my life. Enjoy.
"The Latest 7"
by John Downey
I don't get that wet in the shower.
Four miles, rain in yo face,
And likely have to do it all over again.
THE JOYS OF GOING TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Downey's "Classics" Presents: Quaaludes, Probably
Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is...something. Enjoy.
"Quaaludes, Probably"
by John Downey
You don’t think that this creature is calling for attention, do you? Hey, let’s read its mind, see what we can dish up. There is no ‘animalistic fallacy’ here, you just can’t speak BIRD. She looks down—
What? You thought that it was a male bird? How silly of you—
To see the desert that separates herself from all that she holds dear in the world. Call me optimistic when I say that this hurts her, because that means that she’s capable of feeling happiness. Should she wait her for her friends to come? WILL her friends come? Should she stay on her perch and wait for her friends to come, hailing them when they approach her line of sight? Does she even want to see her old friends again? Maybe she should become friends with the earthworms and mice, making friends out of prey, always being able to hold something against them.
Maybe her friends are hiding from her in the trees. That’s what she’s scanning for. Some of her friends don’t have the backbone to tell her that she can be painful to be around, that she makes too much of a scene, that she’s been known to scream from rooftops when things don’t go her way. Standing on a perch hurts her, because that’s proving her ‘friends’ right. But maybe they aren’t in the trees, and that rustling is just a bear, or maybe it’s food that she could use right now. What if it’s not, though, and one of her loves flies by when she’s not looking? On that note, she stays where she is, and reconsiders all possibilities every 5 minutes, until her feet can’t take anymore and she has to leave her perch.
Drama queen.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is...something. Enjoy.
"Quaaludes, Probably"
by John Downey
You don’t think that this creature is calling for attention, do you? Hey, let’s read its mind, see what we can dish up. There is no ‘animalistic fallacy’ here, you just can’t speak BIRD. She looks down—
What? You thought that it was a male bird? How silly of you—
To see the desert that separates herself from all that she holds dear in the world. Call me optimistic when I say that this hurts her, because that means that she’s capable of feeling happiness. Should she wait her for her friends to come? WILL her friends come? Should she stay on her perch and wait for her friends to come, hailing them when they approach her line of sight? Does she even want to see her old friends again? Maybe she should become friends with the earthworms and mice, making friends out of prey, always being able to hold something against them.
Maybe her friends are hiding from her in the trees. That’s what she’s scanning for. Some of her friends don’t have the backbone to tell her that she can be painful to be around, that she makes too much of a scene, that she’s been known to scream from rooftops when things don’t go her way. Standing on a perch hurts her, because that’s proving her ‘friends’ right. But maybe they aren’t in the trees, and that rustling is just a bear, or maybe it’s food that she could use right now. What if it’s not, though, and one of her loves flies by when she’s not looking? On that note, she stays where she is, and reconsiders all possibilities every 5 minutes, until her feet can’t take anymore and she has to leave her perch.
Drama queen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)