Downey's "Classics" Presents: Various Orphaned Work From Senior Year Of High School

Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.

So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is various orphaned work from Senior year of high school, way back in 2004/2005. Enjoy.

Seeing as how this is only the year 2419, and we monkeys are the dominant race in existence, it was quite a shock when one day I looked out my window and saw what had to have been a genuine member of the homo sapiens race, extinct since 2006, when George Dubya killed every human on Earth after he learned that he actually lost the 2004 election. I barely managed to say, "Holy man!" before fainting back into bed.

When I came to, the homo sapien, more commonly referred to as a 'human', was still picking grapefruits out of my backyard. I couldn't call the police—not since the Homegrown Botany Ban of 2405—and I couldn't harm him since my most effective weapon was a dull blade (due to my status as a mandrill—SUCH RACISM!!!). Instead, I decided to observe him.

He took one look at my broken bike seat that was specifically designed for my hindquarters, dropped trowl, and…

***

Despite its taste and arousing smell, most adults drink coffee to wake up in the morning. Usually, adults are willing to harm themselves to a 'greater benefit'; job they hate, children that whine, cars that suck, etc. So why drink good coffee? They could just as easily swallow coffee beans and hope to get the same effect. (It does. Tastes like Cocoa Crispies, too.) Or, even better, stick coffee grounds in their mouths, then some hot water, swish it around in your mouth, and then swallow. That is a surefire way to get somebody going in the morning! That, and an alarm clock equipped with tasers. Those would be cool, too. And if those tasers were programmed to be active when the snooze button is pressed.

***

Sandra's hands were clasped. I looked at them and considered my brother, his thoughts whirling with possibilities, moving deeper and deeper into the secret, and I knew that his heart was about to get crushed. "Um, I'm already going out with somebody," she finally said.

My brother sighed and said, "Oh, okay." (If only he had left it at that.) "Just out of curiosity, who is he?"

"Her name is Katie."

You should have seen his jaw drop. I mean, I could feel for him, but really, it was just too funny. Sandra apologized for having to tell him this way, but that really didn't do anything. He just stood there with his mouth wide open. I think a fly flew into that big, gaping hole.

After she left, he walked over to me and asked why I was laughing so hard. All I could spit out was, "So, is she into you, or…" That was all I got out. Really, seeing that kid get mentally floored was something I've waited 15 years to happen.

"You knew, didn't you?" he asked.

"T'YEAH!" was my answer.

***

The room smells like perfume. It is a lovely smell, and somewhat nauseating, too. Amanda dropped her perfume, and it spilled and broke on the floor. Better than Lysol? Perhaps. But its hard to put perfume in your brother's room. God, that smells bad. His room, I mean. It smells like big brother. Which is bad. I mean, even when he comes out of the shower, he smells like a big pile of elephant crap, if elephant crap were stuck to human armpits and attacked by an army of skunks. Apparently, the ladies love it, though, since he always has a girlfriend. At first, I was weary of my brother dating my classmates's sisters; then, after seeing the sort of specimen he really chases after, I started wishing he would go back to dating my classmates's sisters, because some of those chicks were nasty.

***

I believe this was commenting on a comment made by Henry David Thoreau, who liked to live a simple life. Of course, I (intentionally) miss the point that Thoreau was probably trying to make.

I think this dude is saying, "Getting money and a family is bad; telling the truth is good." I never understood this Jacque Thoreau guy. Wasn't his specialty about the living creatures in the sea? So, he should've stuck to talking about fish and left the 'meaning of life' stuff to the psychiatrists. I mean, let's say that you marry a rich woman, and have 5 children; by definition, you are evil!

***

HOW TO PICK UP A GIRL

Obviously, the joke here is that this is not how you pick up a girl.

1) Choose a girl to hit on. (ONE choice here; hitting on two at the same time usually results in both of them being turned off and three is only for professionals with at least 6 years of experience.)

2) Introduce yourself, THEN ask her name. Order of operations is crucial here.

3) Engage in stupid conversations about stuff—how she's doing, how her sister's operation went, how her parents disowned her, etc.

4) LOOK INTO HER EYES. This part is tricky, since you probably did not pick out your target on the basis of how pretty their eyes are. But maintain eye contact as much as possible; it will make you look like you give a crap.

5) Compliment her on her worst feature. Seriously. It makes them feel good.

6) Talk about your sister as if she's the best person in the world, then show her the picture that came with the wallet. I don't know why this works, but it does.

7) Ask if you want to continue this conversation elsewhere…

HOW TO MAke WORLD PEACE. Step #1: Make everyone stop fighting. Step #2: Make sure nobody ever fights again. EASY!

***

What happens when you realize that your stream of concensiousness (or however it is spelled) piece sucks ass while in the middle of it? See below for answer.

Have it, save me from the unwilling, white flag, lets have it now. Go quick now, run away, far away from here, so you shall never have to feel it again. Its stopped, how wonderful. The past is now here to bite us on the ass. Its come; we forgot it, that's why its here. Shredded paper does not shred memories, unfortunately. We win and lose at the same time. We're here, we're now, we matter in the moment, but not for long. We died, that's what happened to everyone who lived. He is up there, laughing at us. Is he up there going, "I wonder what would happen if a turkey becomes president?" Watch out for 2024; Gobble BeCaw is favored to win the election. He has no beard, wait, does he, or does he look like Jesus? Heck, is he a she? Ha ha, the Bible could be SO wrong. Peace and quiet. Aah. I am all alone in my gray room, no windows, just a light from the TV and some grub at my feet. I am content. Withdrawal could be a means to an end. I'm going crazy; is that a voice I hear? No, just a jackal, c'mon sox! I'm funny; yes I is. Who cares what everyone else thinks?

***

One night at the local pub, Robert and Ted were having beers when a nice-looking young woman walked in.

"Damn," said Robert, "I gotta get me some of that."

"Dude," said Ted, "that's the mayor's daughter."

"So?"

"You try to hit that, you're gonna get your thing chopped off."

"You're just a pussy, Ted."

"Hey, if you want to try, its your funeral."

"Thanks for your vote of confidence. And by the way, you don't need your dick in order to live, DUMBASS."

Rob walked over and told the bartender to put her drink on his tab.

"Um, thanks," she said.

"Yeah, well, I can't stand it when a lady has to pay for her own vodka," Rob said.

"This is water."

"Right! Vodka and water! The two things that women should never have to pay for."

"What about dinner, and limos, and wedding rings?"

"…My name is Robert."

"Tracey."

"So, are you enjoying your water?"

"Well, I haven't tasted it yet."

"Well, that looks like good water. MMM-hm!"

"Yes…water usually is."

"Isn't it?"

"Well, unless it breaks, like it did for my best friend."

"Oh my. How did that happen?"

"She didn't shoot the guy when she should have."

"Oh, what a pity. I do hope she's alright."

"She's doing well, except for that whole 'have-to-stay-at-home-all-the-time' thing."

"Well, I do hope she eventually grows out of it. She shouldn't stay inside just because of one embarrassing incident."

She stood up. "I have to go."

Rob got up. "May I have your number?"

"Sure." She gave him the number for the local poison control center. Then, she left.

Rob walked back over to Ted. 'So, am I good, or am I good?" he asked.



"Up is like down when it damn well feels like it!" said the professor.

"The solution was hydrochloric acid; the problem was, therefore, an ugly face!" yelled out a student.

***

Goodness gracious. MAN some videogames are stupid, and also very entertaining at the same time. In this case, I'm referring to Rumble Roses. It certainly has an awesome pedigree—the developer (Yuke's) has been making wrestling games for 5 years, and its publisher (Konami) has revolutionized the way videogames are made and played for the last 15 years or so. Still, the game is laughable, but at least intentionally so. You see, the only characters in the game are female. Oh yeah, and there are only two kinds of matches: 1-on-1 (no pun intended) and Mad Mud match. It plays well, but there is no way to wrestle a serious match. The second I get absorbed in it, someone sticks their ass in their opponents face, or some outrageously bad dialogue comes spewing out. And the jokes range from "Cowgirl has bigger teats than my sheep!" to "I'm ready to fight! Just one question, though: how'd you get such a big rack?" The game is fun to play, and I didn't waste any money in getting it. But I should mention that Konami's latest game for its flagship series, Metal Gear Solid 3, will be released on Friday. When I get that game, I imagine that I will forget about ladies throwing each other around in piles of mud.

***

Turtles actually have lots of fun. They run laps, sip water, and wiggle their little tails for their own enjoyment. Its kind of hard to tell when they are happy, but you can tell just by when the turtle looks you in the eyes, stares…and BLINKS. That's a dead giveaway right there. The thing is, turtles are incredibly stupid—the side effect of having a brain the size of one of my fingernails. Therefore, they are very easily entertained.

***

The FLOA (Flag Lovers Of America) were marching for their cause—racists on dialysis—when an apple clocked one of them upside the head.

"Who goes there?" said the Head Flagger.

"It is I, the King of the Mountain, Towylette Byrd!" responded the tall, apple-throwing man. When the Head Flagger started giggling, the big man yelled, "Its French and I was named after my father, STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!!"

"Um, King Toilet," said the HF, "Why are you throwing apples at my lot? We are mere protectors to a good cause."

"You do not have the proper permits to be on this land. Go away, fools."

"Ha! Like you possess our combined hypnotic powers!"

"Ha! You are a band of merry travelers waving around pieces of paper and think that counts as power?! Try me, weaklings!"

"Very well!" And the lot danced around and signed LEG US THROOG YOUR LAMP, POOL. (They needed some work.)

"Ha! I would just as soon kiss a Chihuahua and believe that I was suffering from a primal form of animalistic fallacy!" said Burd.

"Um, the animalistic fallacy is mistakingly believing that animals have human emotions," replied the HF.

Burd threw another apple at them.