Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.
So, the writer of this now frequently updated blog is trying to stay in the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is a satirical reaction to a strange situation--someone claimed that they were going to sue their doctor because of an irrelevant offhand comment he made. Enjoy.
"I Need Legal Advice"
by John Downey
I couldn't get my car out of the parking spot today because there was too much snow on the ground, so I had to walk to school today. On the way there, somebody tried to mug me, but I was able to break his arm and make a clean getaway. I got coffee from Dunkin' Donuts, but I spilled it all over somebody's baby by accident. The kid's mom yelled at me for being clumsy, so I called her a judgmental bitch who didn't understand the tough life I had. The bitch's fiance, who I have a math class with, stopped me on the way to school and asked for an explanation. I ran him through with my pencil, "Assassin's Creed"-style. A dog walked up to me, so I tried to bite its nose off. I got most of it before the owner yanked his dog away and said something that I missed because I was too busy not giving a fuck because I'm John Downey bitch, so I knocked him out, raped his father, and then took a shit on his sleeping mother. I slit the throat of the guy who was going to find the cure for cancer. I snitched on a couple of drug dealers, then I stole all of their porn and video games. I cast an early vote for John McCain. Right as I got to school, I was arrested by a couple of cops for various counts of assault, rape, attempted murder, murder, and resisting arrest (they interpreted my request to suck my balls as a refusal to be arrested, for some reason).
I plan on suing the snow for causing emotional duress that resulted in the events of the past day. I'm not responsible for today's mess; the snow is, and if you think differently, you should be put on an island and that island should be bombed.
What I need to know is, how do I send Mother Nature a subpoena? Any help in answering that question, as well as money to pay for legal fees/hospital bills/Fallout 3, would be much appreciated.
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