Downey's "Classics" Presents: Max, Francine, And The Monkey

Apparently, the best way for a writer to make a name for himself today is to do various writing jobs that doubles as an advertisement for his blog until he is ready to write a novel, which pays more than a job writing for a magazine. Sure, the writer could just skip a step and write the novel right away, but that shit is difficult, and without something resembling a cultivated audience, it would arrive in bookstores to general apathy. And that's even if it makes it into stores.

So, the writer of this rarely-updated-but-not-bad blog is trying to get back into the swing of blogging. This requires putting up a post a day. Rather than write something off the top of his head, though, he is burning "back catalogue", or material he wrote for classes that would get underappreciated, because he is tired on this day. Below is a short screenplay written for a class, typed up in the 2 hours before it was due. Enjoy.








Max, Francine, and The Monkey

By John Downey


BLACK

FRANCINE
(V.O.)
I mean, it’s not as though I think that we can’t, you know, conceive, it’s just that…

MAX
(V.O.)
Well, we haven’t really tried, have we, honey.

FRANCINE
(V.O.)
Max, please don’t interrupt me.

MAX
(V.O.)
Doctor, it’s not as though my cannons aren’t ready to fire—but not at will, mind you.

FRANCINE
(V.O.)
We use protection every time.

MAX
(V.O.)
EVERY time.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Max is sitting to the left of Francine (on Francine’s right). Max is not an ugly man, but not gifted in the looks department, either. Francine is taller than Max is, even while sitting down, but has no other remarkable features. Both look to be in their early 30’s. They are facing the camera head-on.

FRANCINE
Max, I don’t think the doctor is interested in our sex life.

MAX
She might be.

FRANCINE
Max, don’t be ridiculous.

MAX
We’re here to get advice on having a baby. Sex makes babies, ergo, our sex life is very relevant, probably.

FRANCINE
I think she can be the judge of what she needs to know or not know.

MAX
Well, doctor?

ANGLE ON: Doctor Moore, an organized-looking woman in her 40’s.

DR. MOORE
So, the concern isn’t so much on making the baby as wondering if you have the capacity to take care of the baby?

Max and Francine agree.

DR. MOORE
Well, there are ways of determining if you are ready to have a child, though they certainly aren’t conventional. The most common technique we use is to give a special doll to teenagers to take care of for a week.

MAX
That could work.

DR. MOORE
I have a better solution, though.

FRANCINE
What’s that?

Dr. Moore claps her hands twice. Pierre, a monkey, walks in and jumps on Dr. Moore’s desk.

DR. MOORE
The best baby simulation, ever.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR DRIVING DOWN ROAD – DAY

Max is driving, Francine is reading from a piece of paper, and Pierre, dressed in snazzy diapers, is strapped into a child seat in the back. We see them through the windshield.

FRANCINE
(reading from paper) “Your monkey will not only simulate how your child will act during his—or her!—first year of life, but also give you glimpses into what to expect from his—or her!—teenage years!”

MAX
Get to the part where it says how much we’re being billed for this chimp.

FRANCINE
Max, c’mon. (continues reading) “Your monkey has been trained to communicate through a variety of techniques, including grunts—”

MAX
(grunts in disapproval)

FRANCINE
“Sign language—”

MAX
(while rubbing the side of his nose with his middle finger) Go on.

FRANCINE
Don’t think that I don’t see that. “…and he—or she!—can even talk to you through his—or her!—writing.”

MAX
What? You’re kidding me.

FRANCINE
No, it says so right here.

MAX
I have to see this. Do you have a pen and something to write on?

Francine takes a notepad and pen out of her purse and hands it to Pierre, who grabs it eagerly. Pierre writes something down, then hands it back to Francine.

MAX
Well? What does it say?

ANGLE ON: The notepad. There is a circle drawn on it.

FRANCINE
It says “oh”.

MAX
Honey, I think that’s a circle, not a letter.

ANGLE ON: Windshield shot.

FRANCINE
Oh.

MAX
Why would a monkey draw a circle?

FRANCINE
Maybe it means something to him, but we haven’t figured it out yet?

MAX
Yeah, right. What could the monkey be trying to tell us?

A few seconds pass. Suddenly, both of them start making gagging sounds and clutching their noses.

FRANCINE
(through coughs) Open the windows!

Max starts pounding on the “window open” buttons while Francine holds a handkerchief over her face. Pierre starts laughing maniacally.

CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE, KITCHEN – DAY

Max places Pierre on the kitchen table.

FRANCINE
(V.O.)
Remember, anywhere but the table! I don’t want him near where we eat!

Max lifts Pierre up.
MAX
(while placing Pierre on the kitchen counter) Do you think I’m completely stupid, honey?

FRANCINE
(V.O.)
I’m just making sure!

Francine walks in. She is wearing oversized rubber gloves, safety goggles, a dust mask, and a pair of raggedy, beaten-up jeans.

FRANCINE
Open it.

MAX
No, YOU open it while I hide in the basement.

FRANCINE
Open it, Max.

MAX
Honey, just thinking about “2 Girls 1 Cup” makes me feel dizzy, and if I throw up, that’s one more mess you have to clean up—

FRANCINE
FOR CHRISSAKES, OPEN IT, MAN!

Max takes a deep breath in and undoes Pierre’s diaper with a pair of metal cooking tongs.

ANGLE ON: between Pierre’s legs, facing Francine and Max. Max’s head briefly props into frame before he faints; a comically exaggerated sound effect should accompany Max hitting the floor.

FRANCINE
Let’s go, monkey boy.

Francine leans over Pierre, casting a shadow over him until the screen fades to black.

CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Max is writing in a diary while an extended montage is playing. His words are spoken aloud to accompany each scene. First, it shows him writing on a poker table.

MAX
(V.O.)
Dear diary, it is now Day 7 of Operation French Monkey, and we can see light at the end of the tunnel.

CUT TO:
Max and Francine trying to get Pierre off of the top of their kitchen cabinet.

MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
The little bastard has showed us how difficult it is to raise a baby. Babies, it seems, are capable of getting anywhere.

CUT TO:
The refridgerator bursts open. Pierre jumps out holding two ketchup bottles, screaming with delight.

MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
They are also smarter than I used to give them credit for.

CUT TO:

Pierre is jumping up and down in front of Max, crying for something. Max gives him a notepad and a pen. Pierre writes down a “B” and starts pointing at his stomach. Max gives a “what the hell are you talking about” look, then Francine throws a banana to Pierre, who catches it and starts peeling it.

MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
My wife is a warrior. I have a newfound respect for her ability to keep her head in dangerous situations.

CUT TO:

Francine walks into the bathroom and finds all of her cosmetics in the bathtub, where Pierre is bathing while testing out Francine’s lipstick.

MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
I wasn’t there for the day that Pierre went through his transgender phase, but she told me it was one of the hardest experiences she has ever worked through. I’m sure she’s exaggerating, though.

CUT TO:

Pierre, wearing a dress with sunflowers on it and carrying a rolling pin, chases Francine, dressed in plain clothes, in a hallway, from the right side of the screen to the left side offscreen. A second passes, then Pierre, naked and bare-armed, runs from the left side of the screen to the right side, being chased by Francine, who is wearing a football helmet and holding a golf club.

CUT TO:
MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
I think she’s actually kind of sad that we’re going to have to give the monkey back tomorrow.

CUT TO:

Pierre jumps up and down on Francine’s back while she is sleeping. She checks the clock, which says 4:13 A.M., and then looks at Pierre. He gives her the middle finger, blows raspberries, and then runs out of the room.

MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
That’s not to say that I haven’t pulled some weight, though.

CUT TO:
Max and Pierre are on the couch watching wrestling.

MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
I would want my son to grow up to be a cultured adult, so I showed Pierre some of the most graceful and powerful ballet in the world.

At this point, we see a shot on the TV of a man flexing his biceps while sitting on another man’s face. Max and Pierre both start laughing at the sight.

MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
I just hope he takes something away from what I showed him.

CUT TO:

Pierre sits on Francine while she is sleeping, flexing his muscles like the man on the TV. Francine quickly wakes up, at which point he gives her the finger again. Francine wakes Max up. Max gives Pierre a high-five, then Pierre blows raspberries in Francine’s face and runs out of the room. Max passes out again before Francine can say anything.

MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
Sometimes, he acts so much like a human that I forget that he’s a monkey.

CUT TO:

Max enters the bathroom and finds Pierre on the toilet, reading an old issue of Penthouse. Max covers his eyes and quickly exits.

MAX
(V.O. CONT.)
Tomorrow, we’ll learn for sure if Francine and I are ready to have a real child. Until then, I’m going to make Pierre’s last night at home a memorable one.

CUT TO:

Max finishes writing in his diary, then picks up a few cards.

MAX
You ready to ante up, kid?

ANGLE ON: Pierre, who is sitting right beside him, holding some cards.

MAX
Good, because we need to win my pants back this round. There’s a draft in here.

Max looks at his hand and smiles.

FADE TO BLACK

MAX
(V.O.)
It was a pleasure to take care of Pierre for a week, even though he made us lose a game of strip Rummy to Francine and her sister.

FRANCINE
(V.O.)
Oh, like that was the worst thing that happened this week. Remember when he got the runs on Monday and the bathroom smelt like rotten banana for the rest of the day?

MAX
(V.O.)
Well, he was healthy enough at the end of the day to watch some cultural programming that night, so all’s well that ends well.

FRANCINE
(V.O.)
He got into everything we didn’t hatch down! The fridge, my makeup, the top of the cabinet—

MAX
(V.O.)
All learning experiences, Francine.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. DR. MOORE’S OFFICE – DAY
Shot of Max and Francine. Francine is holding Pierre in her lap. Pierre is sucking on his thumb. This shot should look like the same shot at the beginning.

FRANCINE
He managed to completely unplug the toilet from the floor. I didn’t even know you could do that.

MAX
Well, now you know.

FRANCINE
It wouldn’t have killed you to not leave on Wednesday?

MAX
I had business to attend to, it was planned out months in advance, I’M SORRY, and it sounded like you got through it easily enough.

FRANCINE
(grunts in displeasure)

MAX
So, Doctor Moore, what do you think?

ANGLE ON: Dr. Moore. She claps her hands two times, and Pierre jumps on top of her desk. She starts examining Pierre.

DR. MOORE
Well, the wind viscosity of the triangular bistro shows abnormal, but acceptable, variations in the western hemisphere of Jimmy Buffett’s eyebrow.

ANGLE ON: Max and Francine. They look confused.

MAX
Okay…

ANGLE ON: Dr. Moore. She continues examining Pierre.

DR. MOORE
There is a surgical hemoglobin within the 5th triceratops that looks very raccoon to me. It could be water buffalo, but it looks raccoon to me. I won’t be able to tell for sure without a thorough schenectady.

ANGLE ON: Max and Francine.

FRANCINE
(whispering) What the hell is she talking about?

MAX
(whispering) She hasn’t said “no” yet, which is a good thing for now.

ANGLE ON: Dr. Moore continues examining Pierre.

DR. MOORE
Let’s check the 19th floor…good, no 19th floor OR Miss Zarves. Common parenting mistake. Glacier boxing pillowcase nerfherder cartwheel Zimbabwe. Bibbity bobbity boo, your mom lives in a zoo. Umbrella!

ANGLE ON: Door flies open. Two bald men in black suits walk in.

BALDIE #1
Rachel Karen Beadeaux, aka Dr. Alaska Rosemary Moore, you are under arrest for impersonating a licensed medical physician, bringing an illegal monkey into this country, and being out of your fucking mind.

DR. MOORE
Gentlemen, gentlemen, calm down. I can explain everything.

Dr. Moore jumps out of an open window. All rush to the window and look down.

ANGLE ON: Dr. Moore fell two feet onto soft grass face-first.

ANGLE ON: All step away from the window.

MAX
Okay, that simultaneously explained everything and made no sense at all.

BALDIE #2
That’s what crazy people do, sir.

Baldie #1 walks outside to put Dr. Moore in handcuffs.

FRANCINCE
So, what’s going to happen to Pierre?

BALDIE #2
He’s going to have to undergo some testing. If it turns out that he’s rabid, we’ll have to kill him. If he isn’t, we’ll put him in the best facility we can offer, where he can fulfill all of his monkey desires. He’s been through a lot.

MAX
Can we keep him?

BALDIE #2
Sure, if you have a couple thousand dollars to spare.

MAX
I’ll talk with my wife about it.

FRANCINE
So how are we supposed to know if we’re ready to have a baby or not?

BALDIE #2
That’s easy.

Long pause.

MAX
…Well?

BALDIE #2
What, are you waiting for me to tell you?

MAX
YES!

BALDIE #2
Well, I can’t. The only two people who know if they’re ready to have a baby or not are the prospective parents. They can feel it in their gut.

MAX
Can you feel it, babe?

FRANCINE
No…wait, yes, I do! I thought it was indigestion.

BALDIE #2
Then there you go.

Max and Francine walk to the door.

MAX
Why didn’t we think to trust our gut in the first place?

FRANCINE
Because your gut almost got you married to Bertha Wainwright, remember?

They leave. Baldie #2 walks over to Pierre.

BALDIE #2
So, what’s your name?

Pierre blows raspberries in his face and gives him the finger. Baldie #2 wipes the spit off of his face.

BALDIE #2
Ah, kids.




THE END